The #1 Cracked Gist

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What is the Cracked Gist?

The focus of each Cheat Sheet is called The Gist. Think of the concise humor of the Craptions section crossed with our Pop Culture articles. Your goal here is to summarize everything anyone needs to know about the subject of your cheat sheet in one hilarious paragraph (500 character limit).

A few things to keep in mind:

  1. Don’t feel the need to rip every movie that you write a gist for. It’s perfectly fine to have a positive, passionate opinion about a film. OR: You don't have to love the movie, but you don't have to hate it either. Being negative does not mean you are being funny. We are never dismissive in our pop-culture articles.
  2. Focus on contributing to movies you have seen, and thought about.
  3. Avoid using the first joke that pops into your head. We're not looking for you to summarize the jokes other people would make. We're looking for you to make interesting and unique observations about the subject you're summarizing.
  4. Try to keep swearing to a minimum. Sometimes, well-placed profanity can help a joke land. Most of the time, a swear word makes your joke feel forced.
  5. There's no one correct way to write a Gist. If you can summarize everything we need to know about the movie in 10 words, that can be funny. It can also come off as glib. If you're having a tough time figuring out how to strike that balance, go to the movie section of Cracked, and study up.

Here are some samples that should give you a good idea of the wide variety of Gists that can work:
The Dark Knight
Independence Day

  • +81

It's a 200-minute long love story ending with the horrible drowning deaths of hundreds of men, women and children which somehow became the highest grossing film of all time. In it we learn that Jack Dawson (Leo DiCaprio) and nearly everyone else on board the doomed vessel had to be sacrificed to the icy depths so that a teenage girl (Kate Winslet) could find out what is important in life. Also, titties.

David Wong
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Best Quote

  • +39
Jack:

That's one of the good things about Paris: lots of girls willing to take their clothes off.

Read More powered by IMDB

Titanic (1997)

Source: TMBDb.org

Consensus: A boy and girl from differing social backgrounds meet during the ill-fated maiden voyage of RMS Titanic.

Consensus: A mostly unqualified triumph for Cameron, who offers a dizzying blend of spectacular visuals and old-fashioned melodrama.

Overview
  • Rating:
    PG-13 (USA)
  • Theatrical Release:
    November 01, 1997
  • Budget:
    $200,000,000
  • Box Office:
    $1,845,034,188
  • Runtime:
    3 hrs 14 min
  • Produced by:
    James Cameron Jon Landau
  • Screenplay by:
    James Cameron
Director
James Cameron
Cast
Leonardo DiCaprio Jack Dawson
Kate Winslet Rose DeWitt Bukater
Billy Zane Caledon Hockley
Kathy Bates Molly Brown
Frances Fisher Ruth Dewitt Bukater
Freebase CC-BY
Source: Titanic on Freebase, licensed under CC-BY
Cracked Gists
500 characters left

  1. It's a 200-minute long love story ending with the horrible drowning deaths of hundreds of men, women and children which somehow became the highest grossing film of all time. In it we learn that Jack Dawson (Leo DiCaprio) and nearly everyone else on board the doomed vessel had to be sacrificed to the icy depths so that a teenage girl (Kate Winslet) could find out what is important in life. Also, titties.

    David Wong
    • +81

  2. A box office smash hit that is one of the top earning films of all time, Titanic is set on the historically doomed ship that sank to the briny deeps after hitting the ice burg with a love story thrown in for shits and giggles. Running at an impressive 3 hours+, the movie can be divided in fairly equal parts so viewers may experience maximum enjoyment: Women: Watch the first half. Men: Watch the last half.

    Heylisten
    • +15

  3. A film about a huge boat, the biggest boat, a boat that boat could only improved if T-pain was the captain. On this boat a trepid adventurer in the form of Jack Dawson (Dicaprio) while heading for the new land of the USA gets sidetracked by the majestic boobies Rosa Bukater (Winslet). Said boat hits an iceberg and almost everyone dies a horrible icy death. It's a film about the divide between the rich and poor that made more money than any other film of all time. Irony.

    LazerExplosion
    • +9

  4. Titanic is basically the longest you will ever wait to find out something you already knew. It centers around the true story of the sinking of the Titanic and the fifteen hundred or so people who died, although as far as the film is concerned there were only perhaps five that were of any importance. In the end one of the main characters, Jack, sacrifices himself so that Rose can float safely aboard a LARGE door. The fun of it is watching it over hoping they don't hit the iceberg, they always do.

    TrueSouldier
    • +8

  5. Pretty gold-digger marries a (possibly homosexual) guy for his money, she cheats on him, steals his priceless jewelry and pretends to be dead to get away from him only to throw that jewelry in the ocean as a tribute to her one night stand. HE is the douchebag villain for being upset about the situation.

    JohnFx
    • +8
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Best Quote
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  1. 2.
    [climbing an on-deck staircase to the stern as the ship is about to sink]
    Male Passenger:

    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

    Jack:

    You want to walk a little faster through that valley there?

    • +4
  2. 3.
    [waving to people as the Titanic sets off] Jack:

    Goodbye!

    Fabrizio:

    You know somebody?

    Jack:

    Of course not! That's not the point! Goodbye, I'll miss you!

    Fabrizio:

    Goodbye! I'm gonna never forget you!

    • +2
  3. 4.
    Rose:

    It's so unfair.

    Ruth:

    Of course it's unfair. We're women. Our choices are never easy.

    • +2
  4. 5.
    Jack:

    Where to, Miss?

    Rose:

    To the stars.

    • +2
  5. 6.
    Jack:

    Don't do it.

    Rose:

    Stay back! Don't come any closer!

    Jack:

    Come on, just give me your hand. I'll pull you back over.

    Rose:

    No, stay where you are! I mean it! I'll let go!

    [He approaches slowly, gesturing to his cigarette to show that he is approaching merely to throw it over the side into the ocean] Jack:

    No, you won't.

    Rose:

    What do you mean, "No, I won't"? Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do, you don't know me!

    Jack:

    Well, you woulda done it already.

    Rose:

    You're distracting me! Go away!

    Jack:

    I can't. I'm involved now. You let go, and I'm, I'm 'onna have to jump in there after you.

    Rose:

    Don't be absurd. You'd be killed!

    Jack:

    I'm a good swimmer.

    Rose:

    The fall alone would kill you.

    Jack:

    It would hurt. I'm not saying it wouldn't. Tell you the truth, I'm a lot more concerned about that water being so cold.

    [pause. She looks down at the water. Jack is slowly removing his boots]
    Rose:

    How cold?

    Jack:

    Freezing. Maybe a couple degrees over. You ever, uh, you ever been to Wisconsin?

    Rose:

    What?

    Jack:

    Well, they have some of the coldest winters around. I grew up there, near Chippewa Falls. I remember when I was a kid, me and my father, we went ice fishing out on Lake Wissota. Ice fishing is, you know, where you...

    Rose:

    I know what ice fishing is!

    Jack:

    Sorry. You just seem like, you know, kind of an indoor girl. Anyway, I, uh, I fell through some thin ice; and I'm telling you, water that cold, like right down there...

    [He gestures with his chin down toward the Atlantic Ocean]
    Jack:

    ... it hits you like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body. You can't breathe. You can't think. At least, not about anything but the pain. Which is why I'm not looking forward to jumping in there after you.

    [They exchange glances]
    Jack:

    Like I said, I don't have a choice. I guess I'm kinda hoping you'll come back over the railing, an' get me off the hook here.

    Rose:

    You're crazy.

    Jack:

    That's what everybody says but, with all due respect, Miss, I'm not the one hanging off the back of a ship here. Come on. C'mon, give me your hand. You don't want to do this.

    [She reaches her hand back, he reaches his forward, and he helps her back onto the deck]
    Jack:

    Whew! I'm Jack Dawson.

    Rose:

    Rose De Witt Bukater.

    Jack:

    I'm gonna have to get you to write that one down.

    • +1
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